The Sassy & Talk Back Stage
The most important skill and duty we have in this life are our role as parents. Parenting is difficult and rewarding! I find that it is different raising boys to men compared to raising a girl to a woman as a mother. Friends and family kept asking me if my daughter is sassy or talks back to me at the age of seven. I would say no to them. At the age of eight the same question. I would say no to them. At the age of nine the same question. I would say no to them. At the age of ten the same question. YES! Yes, the arrival of sassiness and talking back has entered my space and our space. Oddly, talking back and sassiness seems to have a different approach from fathers than from mothers in my opinion. I often think back of my childhood and wonder if I did the same thing to my mother and my father. I have great and wonderful memories with my father but I have mostly bad memories with my mother. Those memories will have to be for another article.
What can I do as a parent to correct the sassiness and
the talking back stage? I am taking advice and suggestions from parents who
have raised successful daughters. I have never experience the talk back and
sassiness stage with my sons. I don’t remember experiencing these stages with
my nieces. However, I do remember being slapped in the mouth and hit in the
head with a comb and the belt on my backside from my mother from saying
something the wrong way. I would never resort to violence or any physical
altercation with my children or any child. Children fearing their parents only
create fear and leads to anger. Last week my daughter became angry when I asked
her if she brushed her teeth and washed her face. Out of my disappointment I
decided instead of telling her not to react the way she does, I took her Kindle
Fire and handheld Nintendo. I told her that she can’t use it at all today
because of her behavior. These actions seem to work well instead of my verbal
warnings that I believe are never really received at all.
We want to be the best parent we can be for our children and we want to create an atmosphere that we can always be their listening ear. I believe that my parents raised me based on how they were raised and from generations and generations of child rearing based in the south. Today, we know that everything we do for our children will have a major impact of their adulthood. When I raised my sons I worked three jobs most of those years and daycare is where they spent most of their time. However, the times I did have with my boys I made the most of it and I enjoyed taking time with them on vacation days and snow days when it was possible! I am home every day now as a retired and disabled parent and I have more guidance and direction to provide to my daughter from the morning until the afternoon when she arrives home from school. Just as I made each minute count with my sons, I have to make each minute count with my daughter. Sassiness and talking back is only a phase and I can find many hiding places to hide the Kindle Fire and Nintendo for any disruptive behavior.
Love and blessings,
Joan
We want to be the best parent we can be for our children and we want to create an atmosphere that we can always be their listening ear. I believe that my parents raised me based on how they were raised and from generations and generations of child rearing based in the south. Today, we know that everything we do for our children will have a major impact of their adulthood. When I raised my sons I worked three jobs most of those years and daycare is where they spent most of their time. However, the times I did have with my boys I made the most of it and I enjoyed taking time with them on vacation days and snow days when it was possible! I am home every day now as a retired and disabled parent and I have more guidance and direction to provide to my daughter from the morning until the afternoon when she arrives home from school. Just as I made each minute count with my sons, I have to make each minute count with my daughter. Sassiness and talking back is only a phase and I can find many hiding places to hide the Kindle Fire and Nintendo for any disruptive behavior.
Love and blessings,
Joan
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The Unforgiven and Unworthy Pain
The month of October is National Domestic Violence Month and now more than ever is the time to stop the cycle of abuse. I am a survivor of domestic violence and a former Unit Victim Advocate and counselor for Soldiers of sexual assault and abuse in Iraq. The ugliness of assault and abuse is intensified when you are in a war zone but it does not subtract the ugliness that a man or woman may face in their own home!
Tears may consume our lives at times but laughter has to enter into our lives for healing. It is astounding how much pain as humans that we inflict on each other. There are people who hurt each other based on jealousy, revenge, anger, and just because it is part of their inner core. When others desire to hurt us, we have to be willing to allow their attempt to hurt us bounce off and not enter our heart and our spirit. After all, those who attempt to hurt others have a main goal to cause others to feel pain.
There are members in my family that do not talk to each other and do not talk to me for one silly reason or the other. Although I have not intentionally hurt anyone and I have provided for many people along the way and have given my time and effort, I utilize my kindness because it is instilled in my character. We can’t dwell on those who refuse to speak to us because the problem is no longer our problem. We can’t allow any pain from their actions to control our inner spirit. In addition, we can’t allow their pain to become our pain!
Love does not hurt! Someone who loves you will not hurt you emotionally, physically, mentally and psychologically!
Someone who loves you will not hurt you emotionally, physically, mentally and psychologically! If they hurt you it is called abuse! Emotional abuse is worse than any form of abuse because it creates deeper scars that often lasts a lifetime. I know it because I have experience it and unfortunately I learned it at a young age. Psychological and mental abuse creates hurtful games with your mind and you can feel mentally drained. I know this first hand because I have experience this at a young age. Physical abuse creates long lasting scars and often year’s later one can see the scars and can remember what occurred that day to receive this abuse. Once again, I know this because I have experience this at a young age. If you are experiencing any of these abuses, it is time for you to leave and never return. Abusers will apologize, beg, plead, cry and promise you the stars, sun, and moon! Abuse is a sickness that requires many years of therapy for one to understand the root cause of the abuse.
If you are afraid to leave an abusive relationship, prepare for it and never allow the abuser to know your plans. Unfortunately, there are millions of women and men who did not leave in time and their life was taken away tragically due to abuse! As a former First Sergeant use to say to us Soldiers in formation before the weekend begins, “don’t be that one!” Please, do not be that one who becomes a domestic violence victim! You have a chance right now at this moment to become a domestic violence survivor! Reach your goals and your dreams for you and for your children! Change those tears that you constantly or occasionally experience into freedom! Domestic violence of any kind should never be tolerated!
Years of domestic abuse takes time for healing and often people are never healed from the years of abuse. The abuser shall never be given any power over your emotions and mind! Do not forgive the abuser for his abuse face to face, but forgive the abuser in your mind and heart when you are ready to forgive. When you release the pain from the abuse you will finally experience the transition from unforgiven to forgiven in your mind and heart. Once you have forgiven your abuser in your mind and heart, the doors of feeling unworthy will transition to feeling worthy! Laughter will consume your life during this healing and transition process! Every word that I have mentioned is from my experience with abuse and my transition to empowerment and strength as a survivor of abuse!
Blessings and love to you,
Joan
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This newsletter is available to view online and available to print.
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This article was written based on my own experiences and
observation. I have exchanged vows three times in my life but I have only been
married once experiencing a marriage of leverage. My true experience of a
marriage committed to trust, open communication, and a strategic commitment of
a long-term marriage did not occur until my third marriage.
The first time I exchanged vows was at eighteen years old and I wanted to leave the house and enter the military. I thought I was in love and I thought I was mature. Unfortunately, he showed me physical, mental, psychological abuse and he was unfaithful. The second time I was married after leaving a physically abusive first marriage. These decisions caused me to run right into another abusive relationship. Obviously, due to the abuse in both marriages, I never spent a complete consecutive year with marriage one or two. After the final divorce I spent ten years by myself before the third and final marriage. I was ready for marriage for once in my life and I experience self-assurance, self-love, and self-growth during those ten years. My husband and I both want the same things in life, a committed relationship built on trust and partnership, a comfortable home and simple life, and most importantly a Christian faith based marriage. He is three years younger than me but he has old fashioned values and we fit comfortably. We enjoy watching the same movies, television shows, music (at times), foods, and child rearing. Marriage is not perfect but we keep God as our primary foundation to reach the closest possibility of perfection! Blessings and love, Joan Ellen Gandy We look forward to hearing your comments and requests for articles. |
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Today, celebrity couples and marriage lasts between days
and several months. In the United States, there are various percentages of how
long a marriage will last and how it will end in divorce. However, maybe we are
going about marriage all wrong and we have to look at a marriage as a lifelong
partnership and association. Remove the word and thought of divorce prior,
during and after a marriage! Marriage has to be an active role in a strategic
advantage or a strategy of commitment for a lifetime and beyond!
What consists of a strategy of commitment for a lifetime beyond? Actively engaging in open communication and actively building upon trust is where the foundation of a marriage should be formed. Refraining from actively engaging in an argument will help to provide an atmosphere of open communication and consideration; as a result, actively engaging in an argument will lead to a negative atmosphere of a shut down on communication and consideration! Arguments create tension that fractures a relationship when unresolved. We all have moments within our marriage when we become angry and or hurt. Some of us become so angry that we react in hate and our emotionally based actions and reactions can produce greater tensions within our marriage. For example, it takes a lot for me to raise my voice and on the other hand my husband raises his voice within seconds. What is my reaction to him raising his voice? I am only human and I will raise my voice to talk over him as if I was talking to Soldiers in my military voice. In the Army often as women we have to prove that we are as rigid in all levels of leadership just as men. I will admit that my reaction is incorrect because it only intensifies the situation and it is detrimental to our daughter, our relationship and our neighbors. The few times that we have raised our voices to each other, we begin to realize that our response to each other has to be respectful and thoughtful! It takes maturity to communicate and respond to anyone in a civilized way.
Marriage should never be a roller coaster based on an
emotionally fractured relationship. If a marriage has an emotional roller
coaster based on the relationship, it will not be able to survive crisis that
may arise and or life tragedies from outside occurrences. Just as the
visualization of a roller coaster that is built on a firm foundation, the
relationship should be able to take the ride of life together.
Prior to marriage: All couples should go through pre-marital counseling because often love and attraction may cloud one’s judgment and selecting the right lifetime mate. If we marry for the wrong reasons, the marriage will eventually show problems. Remember: A marriage based on convenience will become an inconvenience. A marriage based on attraction will become a marriage of unattractiveness. A marriage based on the need for security will become a marriage with insecurities.
Early stages of a marriage:
There are often signs that people fail to accept or examine during the early stages of a relationship. Remove and document all the layers of facts based on occurrences versus facts based on emotional response and thought processes. Remove facts based on emotional response and thought processes from previous bad relationship because they are not based on factual evidence and reality. Why ruin your marriage based on rumors and unsubstantiated facts? Instill your mental, intellectual and rational thought process of each layer of facts based on occurrences, factual evidence and reality. Don’t give up on your marriage! Talk to your spouse about attending marriage counseling and spiritual counseling from your religious leader and or licensed marriage counselor. If the marriage has physical, mental, psychological abuse it is time to leave and seek help from your religious leader, domestic violence group and or law enforcement. Abuse should never be accepted, tolerated or allowed in any relationship! Every life is valuable and domestic abuse can cost a valuable life! Those who abuse their spouse or partner needs to seek counseling and help immediately! Abusive behavior passes from one generation to the next!
Long-Term Marriage
As the years go by within a marriage, time changes the dynamics of a relationship. Our children grow up and leave the house and begin their life as adults. The retirement years will arrive and the relationship will encounter or revisit any fractures that have not been repaired in the past. Why? You and your spouse will spend more time together either in a positive or negative matter. These moments will be a time to interact with each other without work and children to consume your time. Work on any deficiencies and fractures within a relationship when it first appears. The healing begins when you actively treat and care for those fractures. Yet again, a strong marriage cooperates and participates in an active role formed in a strategic advantage or a strategy of commitment for a lifetime and beyond! |